Through this series of posts in early 2025, I’m making my case for The Year for Better Male Friendships. The reasons for my stance are numerous: 57% of men report feeling lonely and 15% claim to have no close friends at all; both significantly higher since 1990. So I agree with others about many reasons for The Decline of Friendship. In this post, I explain that men are their worst enemies when making and keeping friends. After that, I will follow up with another post about the barriers that keep men from making deeper, more authentic friendships.
Proximity, Time, and Energy.
The Real Reasons for Our Loss of Friends
Here is a summary of previous posts in this series that explain some reasons why friendships have changed for men.
- The Life-Stages of Friendships describes how the ways men make and keep friends change as we get older.
- No Time for Friends provides data that shows why smartphones and social media have caused a decline in the average daily time we spend face-to-face with friends.
- Male Disengagement from the Real World explained how males use technology differently than females.
- The Effect of the Virtual World on Boys and Men which is much worse than it is on girls.
These are all valid concerns and why the U.S. Surgeon General’s office released an advisory sounding the alarm on the epidemic of loneliness plaguing our society.
So how are men their own worst enemies when it comes to friendship?
Chapter 4 of my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships goes into more detail but here is a quick summary of the additional factors that men are so bad at making and keeping friends.
We Don’t Handle Stress Well
The first reason is that many men move away from their friends during stressful times, rather than lean into them for support like our female counterparts do.
As young males enter adulthood, many tend to deal with the pressures of work and family by isolating themselves, rather than reaching out to friends who can help. We get over-scheduled and the pressure builds, especially as we enter the ‘Stress Bubble’ of life. We start a family, buy a house, and work hard to climb the corporate ladder. We get stressed trying to meet the demands of work and family, of carpools and commutes. We feel the need to attend practices, games, and recitals. To cope, we stop devoting any time to friends, preferring to decompress by vegging out in front of the TV or doom-scrolling on our smartphones.
Stress Leads to Workaholism or Isolation
There’s a saying “Work smarter; not harder.” But most guys only know one speed and put everything into everything they do. Some resort to workaholism, feeling that is the only way to succeed. Others work to make themselves seem busy and important.
Many guys manage their stress by hiding in their proverbial “man cave” where they resort to addictive behaviors such as overeating, heavy drinking, doing drugs, gambling, or viewing pornography to ease the pain of their loneliness. This isolation often leads to sadness over their lack of purpose and can spiral into depression.
But all this means is we have our priorities wrong. I know I did as I wrote in Why I Needed a GodBuddy and how those deeper relationships with other men helped transform my life.
In most cases, men could benefit by allocating more time to develop friendships with other men who can help them learn better ways to deal with stress.
We are Sinful Humans
Throughout history, men have failed to accept their responsibilities to protect and provide. Others deal with difficulty and disappointment by acting immaturely.
Sadly, this curse goes back to the Garden of Eden, when God gave the first man the responsibility to work in and take care of the world. God knew “it is not good for man to be alone” (see Genesis 2:18) so He created Adam’s first friend, Eve. But he failed in his responsibility to protect her when the serpent appeared and tempted them in the Garden.
Like Adam, many men hide from God. We hide to avoid being found out. We also blame others, just like Adam blamed Eve, even though both were told not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. And just like the first couple, we were given free will to make decisions about good and evil, but we live in constant rebellion. Think of this as our self-imposed separation from God and others.
We Fail to Get Rid of Bad Influences
One of the most important choices males can make is how they manage their friendships as they grow up. Some will become disenchanted if their childhood pals move, their adult buddies marry, or their closest friends drift away. Like Adam in the Garden, they rebel and go into hiding, then blame others.
But as we mature emotionally, physically, and spiritually, we need to let go of the friends who remain stuck in immature ways. Today, there are too many “40-year-old boys” who continue to be bad influences and exhibit toxic behaviors that tarnish society’s views of all men.
The better choice is to make friends with other men who can help you, rather than tempt you. Become a better man who learns how to manage your stress, finds proper work-life balance, and ignores the evil serpents in your life. Become a mature man who makes friends rather than loses them.
My next post will explain the barriers that keep men from making deeper, more authentic friendships.
[Feature Photo by Geoffroy Hauwen on Unsplash]
