The Pain of An Absent Father

Last year, I wrote in Addressing Your “Wounds” about how our past may keep you from living up to your full potential as a man. In this post, I dive deeper into the “Absent Father Wound”, which I believe is contributing to The Crisis of Fatherlessness I wrote about in my last post. The next post will then cover another factor that leads to becoming a better father: understanding the relationship with your mother.

The Wounds Every Father Must Address

In my early days of being a father, I participated in a weekly men’s study called The Quest For Authentic Manhood. The study’s creator, Dr. Robert Lewis, suggested that all men need to resolve one or more of the five significant wounds from their past to become better men. Dr. Lewis described these wounds as: 

1. The “Absent Father” Wound – The lack of a strong paternal figure resulting from a dad who was absent or abusive. This includes fathers not living in the same house as their children, but also those who are present physically, but missing emotionally.
2. The “Overly-Bonded with Mother” Wound – An overly close bond with mother that leads to either an over-attachment to mom (even into adulthood) or a rejection of all females out of fear of being “mothered”.
3. The Lack of a Compelling Vision for Manhood Wound – A lack of clear purpose or direction in life. They don’t know how to answer the question: “Who am I as a man?” which often comes from never being shown or taught what it means to be a responsible adult male. 
4. The “All Alone” Wound – The only self-inflicted of the five wounds. A feeling of isolation that leads to loneliness, discouragement, and foolish behavior. It comes from our blind spots stemming from childhood experiences of rejection or abandonment.
5. The “Depravity” Wound – The inability to express emotions properly, especially vulnerability and tenderness. This wound leads to emotional suppression and potential issues in all types of relationships.  

Dr. Lewis suggests that all men must unpack and resolve these possible wounds to become more godly men. This includes becoming a responsible father.

The Effects of an Absent Father

The pain caused by an absent father wound is profound because it affects our children emotionally and mentally. It can also linger well into adulthood. Here are some of the most common impacts of having an absent father:

Emotional Impact

• Feelings of Rejection: An absent father can lead to feelings of abandonment and rejection. Children may question why their father is not present or involved and feel unloved or that they have become a burden. 
• Insecurity: The absence can create self-doubt and a lack of confidence, stemming from not having a father figure affirming their worth. Children may even blame themselves for the father’s absence. 
• Longing and Grief: The void left by an absent father can result in ongoing sadness or yearning for a relationship that wasn’t fully realized but needed to help them become a mature adult.

Mental and Behavioral Effects

• Difficulty Forming Relationships: Without a positive paternal model, some people struggle with trust, intimacy, or establishing healthy boundaries.
• Anger and Resentment: Unresolved emotions or improper modeling by a parent can lead to anger, sometimes directed inward or outward.
• Identity Struggles: A father often serves as a role model or guide in identity formation. A father’s absence can create uncertainty about one’s place in the world.

Social and Developmental Challenges

• Academic or Professional Struggles: Some individuals may lack motivation or face challenges in school or work without a supportive father figure.
• Seeking Validation: This pain may drive a need for external approval, sometimes leading to unhealthy sexual behaviors or relationships.
• Generational Patterns: The impact of an absent father can ripple into future parenting styles and family dynamics as adults.

Healing from an Absent Father Wound

The journey to healing from an absent father wound is very personal and there is no perfect path forward. It also takes time to unpack any wound. Rather than making excuses about your past or putting a lid on your emotions, you can become a better father when you: 

• Acknowledge the Pain: Accepting and validating the emotions caused by the absence of a dad or father figure in your life. Extend some grace and forgive your dad. Also, practice self-compassion. You are doing the best you can!
• Seek Therapeutic Support: Counseling or support groups can help unpack these feelings and provide tools for coping and rebuilding.
• Find Good Role Models: Follow positive male figures, mentors, or community leaders who can provide you with guidance. Become a role model to young men to help fill the void of good men.
• Rebuild Your Self-Worth: Focus on self-love and personal growth. Focus on the positives about being a father. Change the narrative by becoming a better dad yourself.

I also suggest that you find a network of dads from whom you can learn. Seek out those who demonstrate how to be a physically present and emotionally engaged father. Ask them to mentor you. Learn from their mistakes. Gain from their wisdom. Study books and discuss blogs together.

We can reverse fatherlessness by helping each other become better men and better dads.