As I continue making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships, I want to provide one more reason that keeps men from developing deeper, authentic friendships: the metaphorical “masks” we wear. In this post, I will explain the types of masks men wear and how these masks hinder us from making and keeping friends.
When Men Hide Behind Masks
My last post, The Barriers to Male Friendship, provided several reasons why it is difficult for men to make and keep friends. Studies show that 57% of men report feeling lonely, and 15% of men claim to have no close friends at all. These are significant increases over the last 30 years and an epidemic of loneliness in our country, especially among males. For a great overview, watch this video, The Decline of Friendship.
There is also a growing concern about how males are failing compared to females. Experts present recent data that shows how boys and young men are falling behind, including Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation; Richard Reeves, author Of Boys and Men; Drs. Warren Farrell and John Gray, authors of The Boy Crisis; and the most recent book by Michael Gurian and Sean Kullman, Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development. Each proposes ways for parents, schools, and communities to better raise, educate, and nurture our boys and young men. This starts with equal policies and support services as what is provided for girls and women.
So, while there are many reasons for concern and suggestions for improvement, I believe men can be their own worst enemies. We’ve found it is too easy to hide behind the “masks” of manhood.
The Masks Men Wear
In his book The Mask of Masculinity, Lewis Howes that society saddles boys at an early age with several damaging stereotypes about their identities and emotions, such as:
- Men don’t cry
- Men love war movies and fighting,
- Men need to always know what to do.
Howes writes that these weighty expectations force men to put on a “happy face” to hide their stress and cover up their flaws and anxiety. He then suggests that men wear masks to avoid being vulnerable. He goes on to describes several types of masks, how they come about, and what to do about them, which include:
- Stoic Mask: “I cannot cry.”
- Athlete Mask: “I must be physically fit.”
- Material Mask: “How much I earn defines my self-worth.”
- Sexual Mask: “The more girls I sleep with, the bigger a man I am.”
- Aggressive Mask: “I must fight to prove my manhood.”
- Joker Mask: “Everything’s a joke to me.”
- Invincible Mask: “I feel no fear, I feel no pain.”
- Know It All Mask: “The origin of mansplaining.”
- Alpha Mask: “I must win at everything.”
Lewis explains that he and his dad only spoke about the day-to-day affairs of work and rarely talked about feelings. Based on his dad’s example, Lewis now realizes that he hid behind a stoic mask. He has now learned to remove that mask and express his love for family and friends differently. “Taking off that mask to show vulnerability is one thing,” Howes writes, “but when you do it to show the world who you really are, that is something else entirely. That is true strength”.
The False Mask of “Good Enough”
I’ve read that there is one question that haunts most men: “Am I good enough?”
This implies we have a deep-seated fear of being vulnerable and of someone discovering our imperfections. We fear no one will want to be our friend if they find out who we really are. We also don’t want to get called out for our sins. So we put on masks to keep others from knowing how we are doing.
Perhaps not being “good enough” is the real reason we wear masks. But true strength comes from knowing you are more than good enough, regardless of your flaws or weaknesses. Don’t let culture and expectations force you to wear a mask that becomes another barrier to making deeper, more authentic friendships.
UnMasking for Better Friendships
Over my years, I have seen very few men who are willing to open up and become vulnerable with other men about their struggles. But those who do “unmask,” find the strength to heal from the emotional, physical, and spiritual wounds of their past. They become better men.
Today, men need better friendships. We are tired of surface-level conversations. We need friends we can trust to become fully known. These are deeper, more authentic friends that I call GodBuddes. Men need friends who challenge them. We need friends who encourage, support, and pray for us. We need friends with whom you can take off that mask. Friends who help you become the mature man you were meant to be.
My next post will describes why keeping on your mask may result in you being known as “That Guy” which can also limit your ability to make and keep friends.
