My last post, The Pain of An Absent Father, suggests ways to heal from the wound of not having a physically present and emotionally engaged dad. Another reason I believe we have a Crisis of Fatherlessness in America today is one many guys must resolve: their relationship with their mother. In this post, I describe the “Overly-Bonded with Mother” wound since it can impact his marriage, his children, and his friendships.
The “Enmeshed with Mom” Affect
Also known as enmeshment or emotional entanglement, this wound is an unhealthy relationship that frequently lingers into adulthood. It develops when a boy becomes overly bonded with his mother as they share an intense emotional connection that blurs healthy boundaries into adulthood. This condition often starts with an absent or distant father but is inflicted by needy and hurting moms. It is also caused by “unwilling to release” types of moms, “fill in the gaps” moms, or “I must be in control” moms. This wound is usually not blatant, but often very subtle. It may not show up as abuse, neglect, or absenteeism, but disguised as extreme love and care. It’s not a result of inattention but feels like over-attention or control. It is so powerful that it can wrongly shape or warp the masculine psyche and impacts many marriages.
Dr. Kenneth Adams. a clinical psychologist and is the author of When He’s Married to Mom, has spent much of his career working with what he calls “mother-enmeshed men.” Appearing on this podcast from the Art of Manliness, Adams says a male with this wound feels tethered, entrapped, and unable to have any separateness. They are driven by guilt and worry about having to be on call for their mother’s woes to the point where they become angry, frustrated, and preoccupied with their mother’s needs.
If unresolved, an adult male with this wound remains too tightly connected with his mom. He can also become submissive and passive. Overly bonded men tend to overly rely on their female friends or spouses to make every decision. They avoid leading or even sharing the decision-making. They allow romantic partners to cater to their every need as if they were their mother.
The Backlash of Being “Too Mothered”
One tendency for a male growing up with the “overly bonded with mother” wound is to rebel against women. He feels threatened by the influence of women with authority over him like his boss. He may even become dominant and abusive, overly asserting and boastful about his manly prowess (especially in sexual areas). His life is frequently characterized by violence, crime, alcoholism, and other addictions. He is often socially disruptive and irresponsible in family and work commitments.
Another tendency is the opposite. He tends to over-identify with adult women who are authorities in his life. He learns to behave or react in more appropriate ways for women than men, especially in how he manages his emotions. In this case, he may have lacked positive relationships with one or both parents. In my opinion, both are needed to understand the importance of Balancing Our Masculine and Feminine Sides.
The Impact of this Wound
While a close mother-child bond is critical for emotional development, it can lead to psychological and relational issues. When the relationship becomes excessive or imbalanced, enmeshment with mom may lead to:
- Delayed Autonomy: Over-dependence on mother makes it harder to develop life skills, independence, and resilience, since it delays the transition to adulthood.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People with this wound may feel guilty or anxious about establishing independence because they fear letting their mother down.
- Feelings of Overwhelm or Resentment: The constant emotional demands can leave some men feeling suffocated. This can manifest as frustration or resentment toward mom.
- Excessive Need for Validation: An overly-bonded relationship can lead to dependency on external approval. For some males, their self-worth is tied to their ability to meet his mom’s expectations.
- Codependency in Relationships: He carries the patterns of enmeshment into adult relationships. This may cause him to struggle to differentiate his emotions and manage the needs of his female friends and partners.
- Fear of Rejection: Over-reliance on the mother’s approval creates a fear of abandonment or rejection in his future relationships.
- Difficulty with Intimacy: Enmeshment may hinder healthy romantic relationships. He may unconsciously prioritize his mother’s emotional needs over his own or the needs of his spouse.
- Conflict with Independence: He may avoid pursuing relationships or life goals (like career moves) that might upset his mother. Again, it can lead to feelings of isolation or regret.
- Perfectionism or People-Pleasing: He may feel compelled to be “perfect” to maintain his mother’s approval or avoid emotional fallout.
- Fear of Failure: Constant emotional involvement might instill a fear of making mistakes, which could be seen as betraying his mother’s or spouse’s trust.
Healing and Recovery
Learning to separate from mom is also a necessary step into mature adulthood. Addressing this wound involves finding a balance between maintaining a loving connection with your mom while fostering independence and a strong sense of self. Healing requires finding the proper balance between honoring and respecting your parents with healthy boundaries.
Healing may require professional counseling to help recognize unhealthy relationship patterns, disentangle your emotions, create proper separation, and develop coping strategies. Therapy can help you develop open, honest, and empathetic communication that preserves the bond with your mom.
It Impacts Friendships
It is very important to resolve this wound once you get married. This requires setting and maintaining healthy boundaries that protect you, and your primary focus on your spouse and children.
Men with this wound often feel guilty about not being around the family every moment they are not at work. The reality is men need to find the proper mix of time for family and time with friends. In my opinion, your spouse wants you to be around other good husbands and fathers. We learn to be great men when we surround ourselves with better men.
Resolving this wound is critical to becoming a good husband and father. It also models for your children how to honor your parents and that you place the importance on family.
As we put more importance on becoming better husbands, fathers, and friends, we can turn the trends of fatherlessness in a positive direction.
