My last two posts, The Pain of An Absent Father, and The Effects of Being Overly-Bonded with Mom described the impact of two “wounds” many men carry into adulthood. These wounds can affect our marriage, spouse, and children if left unaddressed. They also contribute to The Crisis of Fatherlessness in America. In this final post, I encourage you to view your parents’ stories from a new perspective and embrace forgiveness, which helps you heal to become a better husband and father.
Broken Boys Remain Hurting Males
One of my heroes in the men’s ministry space is Dr. Patrick Morley, author of several books for men. Shortly after getting through my struggle with workaholism, I read Morley’s first book, The Man in the Mirror: Solving the 24 Problems Men Face. That book accelerated my journey to becoming a better man as I described in my 2019 post, Looking at the “Man in the Mirror”. It also sent me on a path toward starting this blog and writing my book, Get Out Of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendship.
As I wrote in Addressing Your “Wounds”, every one of us has something in our past to acknowledge and resolve before we can become the man we are designed to be. Some will say their parents were not perfect (none are!). Others were raised in a somewhat “normal” home without emotional or physical abuse. But too many men carry the hurt caused by an absent father or overly-bonded mother. Too many deny they have any problems or wounds to heal. But too many males have not resolved their past and have isolated themselves. They lack a proper vision of what it means to be an adult man.
Healing Your Brokenness
Recently, Patrick Morley released a new book, From Broken Boy to Mended Man which details his journey of healing from childhood wounds, and how to identify and confront the unresolved pain of the destructive cycles that keep us from achieving emotional wholeness. Morley helps us address the “little boy” still present within. He emphasizes the importance of acknowledging past these hurts, confronting our denial, and actively working towards healing from negative parenting.
To help facilitate this healing, the book has a free Action Plan (a download is available here). The step-by-step guide consists of four weeks of six daily readings with exercises, questions, and space to journal to help break the cycle for yourself, your marriage, your children, and even your grandchildren. (Note: I do not get a commission from the sales of Morley’s books but I encourage you to check them out.)
Healing Starts by Forgiving
Day 15 of the Action Plan asks an important question: “What happened to your parents? What is their story?” Morley suggests that unraveling that answer can illuminate what happened to you and begin the healing.
Dr. Morley writes your dad and mom set out to fail as parents. We must also realize not every bad experience originates with them. They were influenced by their environment, too. Maybe it was addictions, mental illness, neglectful or abusive parents, or a broken home. If your parents made any progress in breaking the cycles they were born into, give them credit. Your parents are flawed humans with real feelings. Don’t freeze them in a particular memory.
Remember, you are flawed as well. You have likely said or done things that crushed their spirits. You were not a perfect child, just as they were not perfect parents. Holding your brokenness against them will not heal you. If anything, it will drag you down. Unpack that heavy load and forgive them. Extend grace for their mistakes and sins even if they are no longer alive. I’ve done this for both of my parents. I’ve also made the conscious decision to be a better parent. I’m far from perfect but I work at it.
Friends Help Friends Heal
It’s likely some of your closest friends need to forgive their parents too. Get together with a few of them and discuss the relationship with Mom and Dad. Discuss whether there are any other unfinished business of your past. Go through Patrick Morley’s book and Action Plan.
We can change the narrative about the importance of men by being husbands and dads who forgive just as God, in Christ, also forgave us (Ephesians 4:32).
