My last post in this series making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships, I explained some of the ways technology, smartphones, and social media impact boys and young men differently as it relates to our friendships. In this next post, I explain why our friendships are different from females and begin to detail some reasons why we struggle to make and keep friends.
Men Have Connection Issues
My initial post for the series included a video by Richard Reeves on The Decline of Friendship. It stated that recent studies show that 57% of men report feeling lonely and 15% claim to have no close friends at all, which is a significant change since 1990.
In my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships and a previous post in this series, I wrote about the The Life-Stages of Friendships which is just one reason men make and keep friends differently as we get older. I included recent data on smartphone and social media use in my post, No Time for Friends on how the average daily time we spend face-to-face with friends has dropped. This leads to Male Disengagement from the Real World and how The Effect of the Virtual World on Boys and Men is worse than it is on girls.
Given all of this, it’s easy to understand why the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy released an advisory about the epidemic of loneliness plaguing our society. It’s also why others, including Men’s Health magazine, write about Why Men Are Susceptible to Severe Loneliness.
The “Genderalities” of Friendship
Let me write in terms of what some call “gender-alities”. (OK, I think I made this definition up but it simply speaks to the differences between men and women.)
It’s well known that many women are better at cultivating relationships. They spend substantial time and energy creating intimate relationships with other women who they feel are safe for them. They start by sharing the good things that happen to them, which leads to a common bond. Only then will they share intimate details of their life with other females who they trust will not repeat anything said within the confines of their friendship.
Most will agree. Women do friendships well. Men? Not so much.
Men are Often Success-Driven
According to an article in Psychology Today titled, Why Do Men Have a Hard Time Making Friends? males disproportionately strive for wealth, success, and power compared to women, who put a premium on nurturing and befriending other people.
The article’s author, Todd B. Kashdan Ph.D. cites research from Thomas Joiner’s book, Lonely at the Top: The High Costs of Men’s Success. which posits that man’s pursuit of status, power, wealth, and autonomy leads to great rewards but often at the expense of loving, caring friendships.
Success has a high cost for us men because our work often defines who we are and our career accomplishments become a badge of honor. In reality, though, this causes a false sense of self-worth and significance and places a wrong emphasis on work over family obligations. Our 24/7 culture suggests we need to always be on; always striving for more. More money, more material possessions, more everything.
Sadly, success also means fewer friendships!
Our Friendships Become Tactical
American author and relationship counselor, John Gray famously wrote about the differences between males and females in his best-selling book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Gray suggests male-male friendships tend to be more tactical and based on actions, whereas, female-female friendships are more nurturing and based on emotions.
Again, “genderally” speaking, many women form friendships face-to-face: talking over coffee or lunch, laughing and crying together, and sharing their secrets and successes. Women invest more time in maintaining their friendships. They call each other regularly, meet frequently, and think more often about their friends who are struggling.
Conversely, men do friendship side-by-side. They like to work together on projects and play or attend sporting events. Men tend to move on quickly to the next task, even in our friendships. We usually don’t feel the need to stay in touch as frequently. Men are also less open with their personal details and are less supportive of friends in need.
We Have Other Issues Too!
Unfortunately, men have other issues that also impact our closeness with other guys.
In the next post, I will describe why men are less open to friendships than women.
Feel free to comment below and share the post and book with anyone who can benefit from knowing more about male friendships.
[Featured Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash]
