My last post described the Sigma Male, a slang term for a primarily male archetype romanticized for its independence and self-reliance. Sadly, too many men have adopted this mindset to detach from traditional social hierarchies, responsibilities, and relationships. This post describes the ways boys and men are struggling today and why better friendships can help overcome this isolation and “lone wolf” mentality.
Males are Falling Behind
Despite what many in the media and culture believe, statistics show that boys and men in the United States today are failing. Males of all ages are falling behind girls and women educationally, economically, and on many indicators of social well-being. Since the 1970s, boys have struggled to learn properly in elementary school and high school. Young men are now far less likely than women to attend or graduate from college with the ratio approaching two female undergraduates for every one male. Many males earned less in 2019 than most American men did in 1979. They are increasingly leaving the workforce during their prime earning years, especially since the COVID-19 pandemic. These trends are across all racial groups, especially among working-class boys and men.
Most concerning though is that men lead in the “deaths of despair” from suicide or alcohol or drug abuse at a rate nearly three times higher than women. There is a male health crisis but no one wants to acknowledge it.
While the past 50 years have been revolutionary for women as we champion equality and increase academic and workplace achievements, there has not been a corresponding conversation about what role men should play in a changing world. Men need more advocates. We need each other to teach us how to become better men.
Concern for Men is Not “Zero-Sum” Thinking
Richard Reeves, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, is concerned about the myriad ways in which boys and men are falling behind. Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It, says we need to care for men and boys as much as we care for women and girls. He says in his 2023 TEDTalk, “Doing more for boys & men doesn’t mean doing any less for women & girls. That’s the kind of zero-sum thinking that is doing so much damage to our politics & to our culture. We can think two thoughts at once. We can do two things at once.”
Reeves’ book notes the hostility society directed at men today labels perfectly normal male behavior as “toxic. ” For example, the American Psychological Association states that “traditional masculinity — marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression — is, on the whole, harmful.”
Reeves is evenly critical of both liberals and conservatives. He says each side has failed to adequately address the plight of males. Liberals, for example, tend to blame men for many of the world’s problems. Conservatives make too much of these differences. Progressives just try to deny or ignore them.
Why Do Boys and Men Struggle?
Several books and articles have already been written on this topic from Warren Farrell’s The Boy Crisis to Kay Hymowitz’s Manning Up. A New York Times article titled What’s The Matter with Men? suggests that contemporary American men are mired in malaise, even as we disagree about the causes.
Another essay by Washington Post columnist Christine Emba, implies the manly appeal from the far-right “manfluencers” like Jordan Peterson, Josh Hawley, and Andrew Tate attracts an enormous following of teenage boys which fuels this confusion about manhood. This leads to even more isolation and a rise in extreme viewpoints harmful to both males and females.
Others, like Dr. Michael Gurian, author of several books on brain science and gender differences suggest we need different strategies. His book, Boys and Girls Learn Differently calls for new ways to increase teacher effectiveness and close these achievement gaps.
In reality, this mindset creates isolated males who are unbalanced and unchecked. The problems and solutions are complex and not easily fixed. So we need to change the approach.
Who is to Blame?
Men hear mixed messages from politicians, the culture, – and even other men, about what it means to be a man these days. Some people suggest a crisis of masculinity. Others lay the burden on patriarchy and misogyny. Many blame the increase in fatherlessness in America. Since 1960, the percentage of boys living apart from their biological fathers has nearly doubled, from 17 percent to 32 percent.
Sadly, political policies also exclude men in their efforts. The White House Council for Women and Girls was created back in 2009 — but with no corresponding one for men and boys. There are also eight federal offices of women’s health but no federal office of men’s health, even though males die in 14 out of 15 of the leading causes of death.
But men themselves are partly to blame. We have a responsibility to use our masculinity properly.
The Real Solution for Men
The problem with either of these views is that neither has a moderate and cooperative solution. As I wrote in my recent series, Friends Help Each Other Find Balance. Men who are in balance emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, socially, and spiritually find more peace, contentment, and purpose.
A recent American Survey report indicates that men have fewer social ties overall than they used to, with only 27% of men in 2021 saying they had at least six close friends compared to 55% in 1990. This suggests men are suffering a “friendship recession” which affects their health and happiness. It also helps us overcome our loneliness and isolation.
How to Make Better Friends
Men need to forge friendships with men of all ages as I wrote in the post, Three Relationships Every Man Needs. We need older men from who we can learn, same-age friends to do life together, and younger boys and men to mentor. Men need mature men to help them learn to overcome their struggles. We need friends who cheer for us, not tell us what’s wrong with us. We need friends who hold each other accountable to a higher standard of manhood.
Men don’t need fewer friends; we need deeper more authentic friendships. We need friends we can trust and guide us to become mature, adult men. To reverse these negative trends, we need to create a proper path to better manhood, which includes having better friendships.
Find out more about the need for male friendship in my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships. Written as part guidebook, part memoir, and part confessional, the book provides practical ways to develop closer, more genuine relationships that help us become better men. It comes out of my struggle with workaholism that teetered toward depression. I also explain why men need deeper, more genuine, and authentic friendships that I call GodBuddies, which I believe are the best type of friendship.
Thanks for reading and your support!
[Featured Photo by Mahdi Bafande on Unsplash]
