This series about Becoming a Well-Balanced Man concludes with a post about how better friendships can help men learn proper balance which is critical to mature manhood. Earlier posts covered The Benefits of Becoming a Balanced Man and how steadiness and stability (synonyms for balance) in our emotional, mental, and physical health, our financial and social life, and spirituality can help us find peace, contentment, and purpose. This last post contains the practical ways to develop friendships that help men learn balance, rather than acting like the immature, unbalanced “boys” we so often see in the world today.
Better Friends = Better Men
My book Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships explains how better friendships help men offset the stress and loneliness that affects our health and well-being. Written as part guidebook, part memoir, and part confessional, the book comes out of my struggle with workaholism that teetered toward depression.
The book provides practical ways to develop closer, more genuine relationships that help us become better men. I saw the need for more genuine, authentic friendships among men and developed the concept I call GodBuddies, which I believe is the best type of friendship.
While there is no one perfect path to closer friendships, Chapter 10 provides several ways that men can develop closer, friendships by:
Taking Stock of Your Friendships
The Appendices of the book includes a Relationship Self-Assessment Tool to help you determine your receptivity toward making friends. It also includes a Friendship Survey to help you identify your current friendships and the topics you are comfortable discussing with them. Of course, you can get much more details on these tools by purchasing a copy but I make the available for free here and here on my website. These tools will help you identify your closest friends and the depth and authenticity of those relationships.
Keep in mind, you are not looking for the perfect man to help you find balance. You are simply looking for a man who is willing to help you grow and is also interested in growing himself. So get started by identifying potential friends who can help you find better balance in one of more of the aforementioned areas.
Identifying Potential GodBuddies
Even if you do not choose to have a religious or spiritual component of your life, consider these steps to help you find the right man who can help you find better balance. Of course, I believe a GodBuddy is the deepest, most authentic type of friendship for men but these steps can apply to identifying your closest friendships.
- Pray About Your Fear of Making Friends – The starting point for connecting with another guy is have courage to overcome your fear about friendship. You may fear being vulnerable, or getting hurt which can keep us from taking the first step. Say a quick prayer to ease your fears.
- Find Commonality with Another Guy – Get out of your man cave! Start attending functions with other men such as seeing favorite sport teams with another guy at work or church. Work side-by-side as a volunteer. Do a hobby together. Take a small risk by reaching out to someone you want to learn from or admire.
- Stick with It! Your first attempt at finding a friend to help you find balance may not be successful. You may have just caught him at the wrong time so don’t take it personally. Keep at it and seek out others.
Finding a Bond with Another Man
Once you identify a man or set of men with whom you want a deeper friendship, here are a few keys to remember:
- Be a Friend First – Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Most of us have qualities that make us good friends so be a good listener, show interest in them, and recognize that each of you has special talents and gifts. So learn what makes your new friend tick. Look for his special qualities that can help make you a better man.
- Be Trustworthy – The most precious thing to any relationship is building trust. Most men are usually more tactical than relational so we need a process that incrementally builds trust in our relationship. You build trust through many small actions over time like being true to your word, following through with your actions, being consistent and present, keeping personal information confidential, being honest, respectful, forgiving, and keeping your promises.
As you develop a deeper, bond with another man, remember to use discretion, especially with intimate or embarrassing personal details. Avoid gossip and never spread false rumors. Develop that deeper trust and always maintain confidentiality.
Deepening and Sharpening Each Other
A spiritual connection with a close, trusted friend allows you to go deeper in your relationship. My favorite Bible verse about friendships is Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so shall one man sharpen another.” Sharpening means adding depth which you add as you:
- Become Vulnerable – Open yourself up to inspection. Allow yourself to be seen. Deeply seen. Being vulnerable is the only way to be authentic and connect deeply. It takes courage to let yourself be seen. Take the risk. Be courageous.
- Maintain Confidentiality – Do not share anything discussed outside of your friendship. Show confidence in him and rely on him to keep your secrets and struggles private. Also commit to keeping things between the two of you. Do not violate the code of your friendship unless you sense he or his family or others might be in danger.
- Allow Constructive Feedback – Be honest about your shortcomings since it can help all aspects of your life. Allow him to point out your “blind spots.” Be open to feedback even when it may hurt or be embarrassing. Don’t let your ego get in the way.
- Be Accountable – In reality, most people don’t want anyone to hold them accountable! Give your friend permission to ask you tough questions and be willing to change your ways. Set the bar high and invite gentle reminders about continuing to do the things that keep you growing.
Strengthening Your Friendship
Once you establish your friendship and go deeper with each other, be have consistent and focused to make sure your relationship lasts.
- Meet Regularly – Make yourself available and meet consistently. Show your friend how important they are to you by meeting or calling them on a regular basis. Check in at least every week to start.
- Keep the focus on Christ – This may not apply if you choose to not include a religious or faith-based aspect to your friendship. As I written previously, I believe the best version of a friendship is when men learn together how to be more like Jesus Christ and loving according to God’s standards described in Scripture.
Friends Help Friends Find Balance
There is more than helping you find balance by having better friendships as you can read in Get Out of Your Man Cave. You will do life together which deepens your level of trust and accountability. Accountability adds depth which brings growth. Growth helps you overcome the struggles with stress, anxiety, family and work difficulties, and addictions. Closer, more authentic friendships can help you find balance. And the world needs better, more balanced men!
Wisdom for Men is based on my opinions on topics that help men become better men. The sources used for these posts are not fact-checked, but support my theory that men are better with deeper, more authentic friendships. My GodBuddy theory is based on biblical principles but applies to all men, regardless of their beliefs. Better friendships among men will help solve the crisis of male friendships and many of today’s problems… because the world needs better men!
[Feature Photo: By Charles Clyde Ebbets – Washington Post, via public domain]
