In my last post, How Many Friends Can You Really Have?, I explained the brain science behind Dunbar’s Number for the number of people you can maintain as stable social relationships. I also suggested that we need fewer friends, rather than more acquaintances. This next post continues making my case for 2025 as The Year for Better Male Friendships to explain why men need help making friends.
Man Needed Help
As I have stated in several previous posts, the need for better friendships applies to everyone: male or female, married or single, religious or not.
That said, my theory about man’s need for better friendships is based on several biblical principles. The first is that God created the world and humans perfectly, then said it “was good” (Genesis 1:27-31). However, our Creator concluded “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Knowing that, God created Eve as a helper for Adam. But he also knew the first couple would bring sin into the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3). Humans have failed ever since to follow God’s commandments because we are all fallen people (Romans 3:23) who live in disobedience to God and to each other. The Good News is that God sent His Son, Jesus, not to condemn the world, but to save those who believe (John 3:16-17) so we can live and love until God’s Kingdom is fully restored to its original goodness.
The main point is that man is not meant to be alone but needs help from others.
Men With No Friends
In his book The Hazards of Being Male: The Myth of Masculine Privilege, author Herb Goldberg asked hundreds of adult men if they had any close friends. Surprised by the question, most usually respond, “No, why? Should I?” Thomas Joiner, psychologist and professor of Psychology at Florida State University, refers to this as being “alone but oblivious.” in his book, Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success. It’s a sad commentary on the importance men place on friendship.
We should be concerned since recent studies show that 57% of men report feeling lonely and 15% of men claim to have no close friends at all. It’s why the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy believes we have an epidemic of loneliness in our country.
Men “Sharpen” Men
Another principle of my theory about the need for better male friendships is that men help each other become better men. It’s based on Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man shall sharpen another.” which I explained in an earlier post, Men “Sharpen” Men.
I also believe boys and young men become their best version when they learn from other more mature and experienced men. I use this verse to explain that we are “sharpened” into the best version of a man by learning to follow Jesus Christ, who was the One and Only Perfect Man. But we can’t do it alone. Even Jesus has an inner circle of Peter, James, and John.
We Need Trusted Friends
But its hard for men to open themslves up emotionally.
Geoffrey Greif, professor of sociology at University of Maryland, writes in his book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, that a lot of men don’t necessarily want friendships where they have to open up emotionally. Greif says it’s a myth that friendships are not as important to men as women’s friendships are to women. It’s just that our friendships are different in many ways.
Greif goes on to describe four categories of male friendships:
- Must friend: a best friend, a member of your inner circle, a person you count on when something big happens in your life.
- Trust friend: a friend who shows integrity, someone you feel comfortable with, that you’re always glad to see, but not in your inmost circle; perhaps someone you’d like to be closer to, if you had the time or opportunity.
- Rust friend: a person you’ve known for a long, long time; you’re probably not going to get any closer to that person, unless something changes, but a part of your life.
- Just friends: a person you see — at a weekly poker game, at your child’s school — who is enjoyable company, but you have no desire to socialize outside a specific context or to get to know that person better.
Grief writes that you may call your “must” friends with earth-shaking news but do not necessarily hold them as close a “trust” friend. Your “just” friends are casual acquaintances, and “rust” friends are those with whom we have a long history but tend to drift in and out of each other’s lives but essentially pick up right where you left off.
The “Best” Type of Friend
Understanding the role each of these friendships plays in your life can help reveal how you cope with stress and conflict. It can also reveal how you make and maintain friendships. We need to find the right kind of friends that are long-lasting and meaningful. In my opinion, these are what I call GodBuddies, which are the deeper, more authentic friendships every man needs.
My next post will honor one of my earliest friends, who died unexpectedly but still has an impact on me and many others today.
NOTE: This post first appeared in January, 2019 and updated for this current series on The Year for Better Male Friendships.
