Over the years, I’ve noticed an odd behavior mainly among men: it’s the not-so-fine art of “guy teasing.” You’ve heard it many time and may not have noticed. It shows as an off-the-cuff comment like “Hey, nice three-putt” when one of your buddies misses a short, easy putt. You may also hear “Did you get that shirt at the thrift store?” when a guy wears something very fashionable. Yet another example is “Just put on your big-boy pants and deal with it!” intended to help a friend after a personal setback or criticism. In one sense, men simply use words to engage in this playful, yet weird form of communicating. But on the other hand, where is the line between male bonding and bullying?
“Genderally” Speaking
During many of my talks on male friendship, I often speak in “genderalities” which is defined as “a statement or principle having very general, rather than specific, validity, or force about something related to binary gender behaviors and characteristics.” Its a fun term that describes the ways men and boys are different than women and girls.
To that point, men “genderally” communicate differently than women. Its how we interact and show respect for each other. Dr. Michael Gurian states in his book Saving Our Sons, that “The male approach to friendship and love is often different from female – males often emphasize challenge and the pursuit of valour together, and this kind of bonding is crucial to human survival and thriving.” Men are more likely than females to engage in verbal sparring as a way to connect with each other. We’re also more likely to do so without hurt feelings or be offended.
I believe some good-natured teasing between guys is important when done appropriately. It’s how we communicate with each other to create a bond or tighten up a relationship. Maybe it is the way we are wired? Quite possibly, teasing is a learned behavior. In either case, its important to know when to stop.
Men Insult; Women Compliment…but Neither Mean It!
Dr. Margaret Paul, co-creator of the website, Inner Bonding, provides an interesting quote in post Why Men Insult Each Other…And What Women Do Instead about how men and women interact with their friends:
“Men socialize by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it.
While women socialize by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.”
Dr. Margaret writes there is some truth in the quote. Men likely learned in their families to connect to each other through insults and sarcasm. In contrast, women learn to connect with compliments and gossip, though often behind each other’s backs. These false forms of connection leave people feeling empty and unsatisfied if there is a lack of the authentic friendly love.
For some men, the bantering can be hurtful rather than bonding. Its also a way to cover up their own inadequacies and weaknesses by putting the other guy “on his heels” so he backs away from conflict or an important emotionally intimate moment.
Most importantly, Dr. Margaret believes these behaviors are a way our “wounded self” tries to connect when we haven’t learned to connect our heart and our feelings. You can read more about the five significant “wounds” of a man’s past in my post, Addressing Your Wounds.
The Benefits of Guy Teasing
In many cases, men don’t mind an occasional ribbing from a friend. We only tease those we are comfortable with and ridicule each other about things shared between good friends like a little-known quirky behavior. Others use this technique as a way to bring up a difficult subject.
In a post for Psychology Today titled, The Educative Value of Teasing: What exactly is teasing, and what are its purposes? Dr. Peter Gray says teasing helps reinforce friendships by poking fun at one’s flaws as a way of showing someone that you accept them as a friend:
“To know someone well is to know [his or her] weaknesses as well as strengths, and teasing can be a playful way of expressing that knowledge and thereby reinforcing the friendship.”
Many guys use teasing as a playful way to feel closer to another man or to show him respect. A lot of times, a sarcastic comment doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you. It usually means the opposite. Teasing and sarcasm are signs of emotional closeness.
Gray explains that teasing is also used to reinforce humility and deflate a big or overbearing ego to maintain “social control.” He says, rather than openly criticize, teasing is actually more effective in pointing out a poor habit because it gives the recipient a choice on how to react and change: “Direct criticism tends to provoke argument and defensiveness. In contrast, teasing acts at an emotional level that bypasses our verbal defensiveness, and it gives us a choice of how to respond.”
However, teasing and ridicule are probably not the most compassionate way to build friendships. But for many guys, it’s what feels the most natural.
Know the Line in the Sand
According to an article, Why Do Men Fight, Argue, And Tease Each Other? To Be Social, making fun of or wrestling a friend is easier than telling him you love him. But it’s important to know there is a metaphorical line in the sand around verbal dynamics of male communication. The line is knowing the difference between bonding and bullying.
Knowing this line helps keep you from becoming “That Guy” such as the hilarious scientifically named “Takes It Too Far” Guy (Over The Lineicus) who takes jokes too far and gets offended over things that nobody else would ever take personally.
It is also helpful to understand the notion of teasing as payback or retribution. This often-problematic, conditioned response is used to right a wrong which comes from the old fashioned and now out-of-date “man-code.”
It’s OK if Friends Tease Appropriately
Good friends, especially those you consider GodBuddies, help each understand when they have gone too far. They know when playful banter has crossed the line into bullying and verbal abuse. They also know each other well enough to see when teasing covers a character flaw that needs some gentle correction.
The goal of becoming GodBuddies is always to help each other become more Christ-like. I’m guessing Jesus probably had fun with the disciples but never crossed the line toward bullying. He always did so in a loving way since He called them “friends” (see John 15:15).
So have fun with your friends and remember to be more like Christ with your playful bantering.
Wisdom for Men is based on my opinions on topics that help men become better men. The sources used for these posts are not fact-checked, but support my theory that men are better with deeper, more authentic friendships. My GodBuddy theory is based on biblical principles but applies to all men, regardless of their beliefs. Better friendships among men will help solve the crisis of male friendships and many of today’s problems… because the world needs better men!
[Featured Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash]
