Developing friendships is an essential component of our human connection, but also presents some unique challenges for men. In this next post for my series on The Year for Better Male Friendships, I describe the unique barriers that keep men from making deeper, more authentic friendships that I believe are needed to help us become better men.
As I wrote in a previous post, Men Do Friendships Differently Than Women. “Gender-ally” speaking, male relationships are more tactical, and female friendships are more relational. Men tend to develop friendships “side-by-side” for a specific purpose, through a business relationship or over a shared interest or activity.
Females, on the other hand, cultivate intimate friendships “face-to-face” by spending substantial time together. Men move quickly from a task or relationship. They usually don’t share personal details because they can be overly competitive. Women call each other and meet regularly to share emotions, secrets, and successes freely. They are better at supporting friends who are struggling.
Barriers to Friendships
In my book, Get Out of Your Man Cave: The Crisis of Male Friendships, I list six characteristics from David Smith, author of Men Without Friends that he believes inhibit a man’s ability to make friends:
- We have incorrect priorities.
- We show an aversion to showing emotions.
- We have an inherent inability to fellowship.
- We have inadequate role models.
- We compete on everything.
- We have an inability to ask for help.
I believe other barriers keep men from developing friendships; some are a result of cultural shifts but some are self-induced.
Societal Barriers
Here are several cultural norms specific to men that limit their friendships:
- Expectations and Stereotypes – Historically, there have been rigid expectations for male behavior, emphasizing stoicism, independence, and competitiveness. These expectations can deter men from forming close friendships since displays of emotion or dependence are viewed as signs of weakness rather than strength. Consequently, men may hesitate to express their feelings or seek emotional support from peers, fearing judgment or rejection.
- Socialization Patterns – From childhood through adulthood, boys and men are encouraged to form friendships based on shared activities or accomplishments. While these friendships can be fulfilling, they may lack the depth and emotional connection characteristic of close, supportive relationships.
- Stigma Surrounding Male Intimacy – A lingering stigma surrounding male intimacy further complicates the landscape of male friendships. Expressions of closeness or affection between male friends may be misinterpreted or ridiculed. This just reinforces the notion that emotional openness is incompatible with traditional notions of masculinity. This stigma can discourage men from seeking or maintaining close friendships, perpetuating a cycle of isolation and emotional suppression.
We need to challenge these traditional male stereotypes so men feel safe developing more meaningful friendships with other males.
Self-Induced Barriers
Here are some self-induced restrictions that impact how guys develop and maintain friendships:
- Time Constraints and Priorities – In today’s fast-paced world, men often juggle multiple responsibilities, including careers, family obligations, and personal interests. These competing demands can leave little time and energy for cultivating and maintaining friendships. As a result, friendships may be deprioritized or neglected, leading to feelings of isolation or loneliness despite external success or achievements.
- Fear of Vulnerability – Many men are conditioned to avoid showing vulnerability or admitting insecurity, believing it undermines their masculinity or social status. As a result, conversations may remain surface-level, focused on shared activities rather than personal experiences or feelings. This fear of vulnerability can hinder the development of trust and intimacy essential for meaningful friendships.
- Communication Styles – Differences in communication styles between men and women can also impact friendships. Research suggests that men often engage in more activity-based interactions, such as sports or hobbies, rather than intimate conversations about emotions or personal struggles. This preference for action-oriented communication can limit opportunities for deeper emotional connection and understanding between male friends.
Do any of these resonate with you? If so, comment below with how you overcame it.
Changing Dynamics of Male Friendship
Despite all of these societal and self-imposed barriers, the landscape of male friendship is evolving. As attitudes about masculinity and emotional expression change, we must encourage and embrace deeper, more authentic male friendships. This starts by breaking down these barriers and helping boys and young males become better men.
My next post will describe the “masks” of manhood that keep us from deepening our friendships.
